My original headline for this post was “Simon Cowell attacked by rogue Ethopian.” Then I did some investigative journalism and learned that it’s actually Simon’s fiancé British TV personality Teri Seymour. The couple are on vacation in Barbados for the holiday. I can understand why he keeps her around. She seems handy. Simon could always use Teri as a walking stick if he were on a long hike. Or, I dunno, maybe as a karate staff if he wanted to fight crime or play Ninja Turtles with Ryan Seacrest who always wants to be “Naked Shredder.”
Teri Seymour wears a bikini, could use a good meal or ten
Jessica Simpson - "It’s time for porn."
Jessica Simpson isn’t the box-office draw you’d expect a hot chick with a creamy stupid center to be. Her latest film Blonde Ambition was headed straight for DVD until the producers decided to show the film in Jessica’s home state of Texas. It not only bombed but set the stage for the rest of her film releases, according to Page Six:
The turkey took in just $1,322 on its opening weekend in eight Texas theaters. Jessica's next picture, "Major Movie Star," with Vivica A. Fox and Steve Guttenberg, is also heading straight to DVD.
So I did the math on this one and it’s bad. Assuming movie tickets are $10, roughly 16 people saw this movie at each theater over a three day span. If this isn’t a giant flag that says “Jessica Simpson, it’s time for porn” then I don’t know what is. I mean, besides that billboard I built outside her bedroom window that says “Jessica Simpson, it’s time for porn.” Her dad was a big help though, so I can’t take all the credit.
Mischa Barton Under Narcotic Possession
Mischa Barton was picked up for DUI and narcotic possession early yesterday morning. Officers pulled Mischa over when her car straddled two lanes and she failed to use a turn signal. A source for the West Hollywood police provided TMZ with the details of her arrest and what Mischa had on her:
Mischa Barton blew a .12 on her breathalyzer test, admitted to smoking marijuana earlier that day (which cops found in her car) and had what cops say looked like prescription drugs in her car -- in an unlabeled bottle.
That’s why I keep my prescription drugs in a clearly labeled bottle that reads “Fuck You Up Pillz.” I use the “z” instead of an “s” because I’m wack. And also because I took a handful of them while swimming in an above-ground pool full of bourbon. Or at least I was until my neighbor came home and started asking why I filled his pool with booze. He didn’t seem to believe me when I said “Jesus told me to.” But yet he said “Jesus thinks I should hit you with a shovel.” Which he did. God, what a hypocrite.
Photo: Pacific Coast News 
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Britney Spears Nipples Ringing
Before having promiscuous sex with a photographer, Britney Spears walked around Saturday in a ridiculously see-through shirt, and, oh, holy night, no bra! It’s a Christmas miracle. Kind of. I think. All I know is my penis is glowing bright red like Rudolph’s nose and I dunno if that's good or bad. Hey, here comes Santa Claus. You want my dong to guide your sleigh tonight? Sure. Why not? Let’s save Christmas, jolly man. But wait. *holds a candy cane to his ear* Baby Jesus is on the phone. He says we should get lap dances first. Your treat.
Britney Spears spent the night with a member of the paparazzi at The Peninsula Hotel on Saturday. The photographer (above) whose name is Adnan left the hotel Sunday morning at six a.m. while Britney was seen leaving at nine a.m. Us Magazine reports:
Spears' "wild date" began Saturday night with the photographer, who works for the Finalpixx photo agency, handing Spears his business card at a gas station after he heard she "liked" him. Soon after getting his card, Spears contacted him and, after meeting up, the pair was later spotted holding hands at a supermarket.
Us Magazine adds, “As of Sunday afternoon, a source says Spears was at her Beverly Hills home with her two children, Sean Preston and Jayden James.” Aw, that’s nice. Mommy just banged a random photographer. Who wants to smell her hands? I hope you’re taking notes, Jamie Lynn.
Penelope Cruz turns lesbian.....
Penelope Cruz has taken part in a musical video with her sister Monica, to help promote the latest video from their brother Eduardo Cruz, Cosas que contar. The Vanilla Sky star is busy dubbing the lesbian love scene in the clip into Spanish with Monica. Eduardo is obviously grateful for the promotion for the record which will come from such scenes featuring his sisters, and has commented that it was a dream come true seeing the two girls dancing together.
“The song means a lot to me. The melody is very special as it reminds me of the day the song was composed in Madrid,” said.
Meanwhile, the actress has signed Spanish director Pedro Almodovar’s next film Los Abrazos Rotos (Broken Hugs).
They worked together in Volver and Cruz’s performance in the film earned her an Oscar nomination for best actress. The movie will also star Blanca Portillo and Lluis Homar. Almodovar plans to start shooting sometime in January.
He said writing the screenplay of the film was quite easy. “Like some of my other films - Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown - this film came easily, in one go,” he said.
Hollywood's Sexiest Smooches
Tom Cruise kissing Katie Holmes on the red carpet - "War of the Worlds" New York City Premiere (June 2005)
Carmen Electra looks back at the audience after getting a kiss from her husband Dave Navarro as they model one-of-a-kind rock inspired attire designed by Tommy Hilfiger, Friday, April 22, 2005, in Los Angeles at the 12th Annual Race to Erase MS. This year's theme was Rock to Royalty, which inspired those attending to wear diamonds tiaras and black leather.
Paris Hilton, left, kisses Carmen Electra as Snoop Dogg looks on after Hilton presented Electra with the Best Kiss award for "Starsky & Hutch" during the 2004 MTV Movie Awards on Saturday, June 5, 2004 in Culver City, Calif.
50 Cent, right, receives a kiss from Paris Hilton at 50 Cent's album release party on Saturday, Sept. 8, 2007, at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.
Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling kiss on stage as they accept the award for best kiss for their work in "The Notebook," during the MTV Movie Awards on Saturday, June 4, 2005, in Los Angeles.
Bruce Willis and Brooke Burns stop for a brief kiss as they leave the 2003 Radio Music Awards Monday, Oct. 27, 2003 at the Aladdin Resort and Casino in Las Vegas.
Actor Adrien Brody suprises presenter Halle Berry with a kiss after he won the Oscar for best actor for his work in The Pianist at the 75th annual Academy Awards Sunday, March 23, 2003, in Los Angeles.
Actress and singer Jennifer Lopez, 31, kisses her former husband Cris Judd, 32 during a party at the Donatella Versace villa, in Moltrasio, on Lake Como, Italy, Tuesday, Oct. 2, 2001.
Former Baywatch star Pamela Anderson is kissed by her boyfriend Kid Rock in the box of her host, Austrian businessman Richard Lugner during the traditional Opera Ball at the state opera in Vienna, on Thursday, Feb. 27, 2003.
Irish-born American actor Pierce Brosnan kisses his wife Keely Shaye Smith as they pose for photographers on the beach for the new James Bond film "Die Another Day" at the 55th International Film Festival in Cannes, southeastern France, Saturday, May 18,2002.
Hollywood actor Richard Gere, left, hugs and kisses Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty during and event for HIV-AIDS awareness in New Delhi, India, Sunday, April 15, 2007. The event was organized by Truckers Corporation of India Foundation and HIV-AIDS advocacy organization Heroes Project to help create awareness on unsafe sexual practices amongst the truckers community and prevention of the spread of HIV-AIDS.
American actress Melanie Griffith kisses her husband Spanish actor Antonio Banderas as they arrive at the Festival Palace at the 54th Cannes Film Festival in Cannes, southern France, Saturday, May 19, 2001.
Hong Kong film actor Jackie Chan, left, kisses Bollywood actress Mallika Sherawat during an event to promote their movie "The Myth" in Bombay, India, Tuesday, Nov. 22, 2005. The movie was shot in China and India and Sherawat is cast as an Indian princesswith whom Chan's character falls in love.
Adult film actress Jenna Jameson, left, kisses her boyfriend, athlete Tito Ortiz, right, at the 2 B Free fashion show at Boulevard3 night club in Los Angeles on Monday, March 19, 2007.
Actress and singer Jennifer Lopez, 31, kisses her former husband Cris Judd, 32 during a party at the Donatella Versace villa, in Moltrasio, on Lake Como, Italy, Tuesday, Oct. 2, 2001.
Actress Julia Roberts kisses actor Denzel Washington after presenting him with the best actor award at the 74th annual Academy Awards Sunday, March 24, 2002, in Los Angeles. Washington won for his work in "Training Day."
A 1968 movie still from "The Night of the Following Day" -- Marlon Brando kisses Rita Moreno during a love scene.
Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinket-Smith share a kiss at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival, Saturday, Jan. 27, 2007, in Santa Barbara, Calif. Smith is the recipient of the festival's Modern Master Award for his career achievements in the film industry.
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The "Hottie" And The "Nottie"
As sad as it is that they had to turn the "nottie" into a lanky Garbage Pail Kid for Paris Hilton to look comparatively hot, and that Hilton is so desperate for roles that she's resorted to playing a less-caricaturized version of herself, it's even sadder to learn that the plot of this is exactly what you think it would be.As sad as it is that they had to turn the "nottie" into a lanky Garbage Pail Kid for Paris Hilton to look comparatively hot, and that Hilton is so desperate for roles that she's resorted to playing a less-caricaturized version of herself, it's even sadder to learn that the plot of this is exactly what you think it would be. A guy in love with Paris Hilton hates having to deal with her hideous best friend, but eventually learns the friend has something called personality that might make up for her deformities. At least once she gets that inevitable 11th-hour makeover.
After pondering why an ugly person's legs would age so prematurely, try to figure out exactly what point the filmmakers decided the ugly makeup was "too much." I'm guessing they got somewhere between an extra limb and full-on leprosy before deciding to reel it in.
Carmen Electra Cleavage Show
These are pictures of Carmen Electra on vacation in Chile that I got distracted from posting thanks to Jamie Lynn Spears’ fertile uterus. I don’t exactly know what happened to Carmen Electra’s face, but it should take some advice from her cleavage on how to achieve awesomeness. Maybe they can swap notes or something. I’m not really an expert on how the female anatomy works. I'm 90% sure it involves unicorns and some kind of fairy magic. Which is why I wear a wizard's hat during sex.
Ali Larter Is Ready Marry
Ali Larter (right) recieved a wedding proposal from her boyfriend Hayes MacArthur over the weekend. Judging by the headline I just wrote, I’ll assume she said “yes.” The couple is “thrilled,” according to E! Online and Ali knew right away she wanted to marry Hayes:
"I told my boyfriend after three weeks that I wanted to marry him and that we could do it tomorrow," Larter said. "Now that I'm actually in love, I know that what came before wasn't real. It's about being there for each other through the ups and downs of life."
I have no idea who or what a Hayes MacArthur is, so instead I’m posting pictures of Ali Larter with Amy Smart. It’s moves like this that caused my peers to crown me the “King of Journalism.” Okay, maybe I just lined up a bunch of stuffed animals and held a crowning ceremony in my living room. But Teddy Ruxpin thinks I deserve a Pulitzer and that dude knows his shit.
Amy Winehouse Arrested For Disobeying The Law
Amy Winehouse was arrested this afternoon in London for perverting the course of justice, according to TMZ. She was scheduled to be questioned by police today about her husband’s trial-rigging scheme that has him currently locked in prison. Apparently things didn’t go well.
Granted, it’s common procedure to question the wife when her husband’s been arrested. But, honestly, what kind of information did police hope to garner from Amy Winehouse? She can’t even remember the words to her own music. It’d be like questioning a six-year-old but without the convenience of complete sentences.
Rihanna Gone Bad
Rihanna wore this bondage-inspired outfit at a concert in Glasgow, Scotland Saturday night. It’s kind of like she’s in The Matrix which would be awesome. We could totally do it in bullet-time. You know, mostly for the ability to perform gravity-defying love making maneuvers. And not at all because I’m curious to see what sex is like for more than a minute. Because I already know. A leprechaun shows up after ten minutes and feeds you grapes. It happens to me all the time.
Pamela Anderson Files For Divorce
Pamela Anderson filed for divorce from Rick Salomon on Friday, according to CelebTV.com. The couple had been married for a little over two months and it was the third time down the aisle for each of them. It was rumored that Pam and Rick would star in a reality show, but Pam shot down that idea on Thursday in her blog:
"I WAS considering...Only to promote and have people see what it's like to create a show and be on stage starring in a big Vegas production. (probably not happening anymore) not my family life. (Never my kids) I have to make a lot of big decisions. The choices I have to make now are about quality of life. And meaning. Not about money or fame for no good reason. I know I've made a lot of mistakes. But no regrets -- Just living such a huge dream....I'm blessed. So many options. I can't complain. I can be confused."
That Rick Salomon is a lucky son of a bitch. I wish my wife would divorce me right before the holidays. Instead she’ll probably buy me golf clubs or something. Then she’ll get mad when I go on a golf trip with my buddies and have sex with a bunch of strippers. I mean, seriously, what else do you use golf clubs for? I dunno, maybe she should’ve got me a waffle iron. But then again, you know who loves waffles? Hookers.
TMZ is reporting that Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon have reconciled and are calling off the divorce. At least until their next fight which I'm sure will involve fake breasts and a ninja. That's just my educated guess.
Karolina Kurkova in Panties
These are the final round of shots from Victoria’s Secret model Karolina Kurkova’s three-day photo shoot in St. Barts. I bet if you removed her panties an angel would fly out of her vagina. Of course, I’d shoot the angel mid-flight with my laser wang and watch it fall into the ocean. Sometimes I like to send God a message that I don’t appreciate winged creatures interrupting my sexual conquests. Like the time a dragon cock-blocked me with Jessica Simpson. I chopped off its head with a broken whiskey bottle and breathed fire down its neck. True story.
Amanda Beard X-Possing Her Ass On Beach
To kickoff the weekend here’s a buttload of pictures featuring Olympic gold medalist Amanda Beard in a bikini. The shots are from a photo shoot in Hawaii for Triathlete magazine. But who cares? It’s Amanda Beard in a bikini! Which would be a lot more exciting if her face didn't look, well, like this. The only way my penis could be any more confused is if I suddenly found out Jessica Alba was my sister. And a man.
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